I miss my mom. The crazy thing is, I just saw my mom. But I need more. I didn’t get enough time. And whose fault is that?
I was talking to my mom recently, telling her about a “girl’s night” I was planning on having. You know, sweat pants, cocktails, food, maybe a game of Cards Against Humanity (best game ever, btw). She says to me in an adorable — shall we say “suggestive” – tone, “Oh, that sounds fun.”
“Would you like to come, Mom?”
Again, with an if-you-twist-my-arm-I’ll-consider-it suggestive tone, “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe.” (It was super cute, actually.)
Well, my mom lives in Pittsburgh and I’m currently in Los Angeles for pilot season, so this proposition meant more than just including my mom in the invitation. This would entail me buying a plane ticket and having a houseguest for a few days.
So, onto the laptop I go. First, I checked what miles I might have stored up on my different airlines. I perused Orbitz, too. Based on the flights available, I tried to figure out how to book my mom’s ticket so she was here just long enough to make the cross country trip worthwhile, but short enough that she wouldn’t get on my nerves. (Why do I feel guilty just typing that?)
Bought the ticket and then I started worrying: Would her being here mess up “girl’s night”? Would her vegan lifestyle put a damper on the evening if people brought foods that my mom couldn’t partake in? What would happen if she came down with one of her headaches that night? They are pretty debilitating and it breaks my heart when she is in so much pain. The loud talking and laughing would undoubtedly be miserable for her. And how would all of that make ME feel? Would I worry about her too much? Would I be able to relax? Would I even enjoy my own party?
Well, NONE of those concerns manifested. Mom was amazing and open and fun. And frankly, I don’t know why I thought she’d be otherwise. All of my friends tell me how funny my mom is. And she is! She pops out these one liners that’ll have you rolling. And she’s really down to earth and not prudish like a lot of moms can be — she’s hip, cool and modern and my friends were actually majorly impressed that she’s vegan. (I am impressed too, very much.) In fact, two of my friends brought stuff special for my mom because she is vegan. They embraced her fully and treated her just like one of the “girls.”
She fit right in.
But I’m not entirely crazy for having had these concerns. See, when it comes to my mom’s experience of the world, things are rarely just great. What I mean by that is even when things are wonderful there’s almost always something to point out that’s wrong. I can say this because I am the exact the same way! A lot of people don’t know that about me because I’m known for being really perky and positive and sunny, yaddi, yaddi, yadda.
But something that drives my husband absolutely nuts is that I’m the queen of saying, “Yeah, but…”
It’s the “but” that lets all the air out of his balloon. He hears that word “but” like it’s a bullet shot out of a kill-the-dream gun and I think I hear words from my mom in the same way. See, all I ever want is for her to be happy. I will do just about anything to make her happy. And it slays me, simply flattens me when what I’ve tried to do isn’t enough – the food isn’t amazing enough, the weather isn’t warm enough, the traffic is a nightmare, we don’t fit everything in, can’t do it all, etc. Anything and everything will make me fret if I think it’s having an effect on my mom’s good time.
Well, all this to say I really wish my mom had stayed at least one more day. And isn’t that a pisser. The minute I dropped her at the airport I was sad and lonely and wishing to have her back. We really did have fun. At least I’m pretty sure we did. We went shopping for an outfit for her to wear to her upcoming 50th reunion and we found some really great pants. That’s cool, I guess. Plus, she says she’s got a better idea of what to continue shopping for after having bounced some ideas around together. So yeah I helped, BUT…not much else. Oh, how I wish we’d had more time to finish shopping together.
It just goes to prove to me that worrying about something before it happens is a waste of energy. Mind you, I have no intention of changing that aspect of myself. Worry is my default setting. Don’t think it’s gonna change now.
And here’s something I ask myself a lot…Are we more our true selves with our friends or with our family? I think I display worse behavior around and to my family. I’m less patient, less tolerant, and more easily agitated. I can snap or roll my eyes or sigh at my mom or my aunt in a way I would never do to a friend, so of course, I want to say I’m more my true self around my friends. What is that? I’m not the only one that feels this way, right?
I put preconceived ideas onto my mom, which is totally unfair to me and to my mom. Now, one good thing for sure, I was very open to the visit being great. Yes, I had concerns, but I did not let those concerns block the goodness that was coming my way. For that, I am happy and grateful for the time we spent together even though it was brief.
And the bottom line is…I miss my mom.