“Why don’t you have kids?”
I think people mean well when they ask, but it’s not really a question that is as benign as they think. For starters, it’s none of their business. But I’m not usually so crass as all that. I’m pretty open about just about everything, so I understand people feeling comfortable asking me that question. But for another person or couple it could be a very sensitive issue to bring up. Perhaps there’s a physical reason that is painful or sad or even devastating. That doesn’t happen to be the case for me, but there’s hubris in someone to presume otherwise. Frankly, it shows hubris to assume that having children is even an end goal or desire for someone else. It’s as if a physical predicament is the only acceptable answer.
For me, not having kids is a complicated thing. Though in a way it’s not. The short answer is Patrick and I decided not to because we didn’t want to. Or at least we didn’t want to enough. There are numerous reasons, many of which might hurt some people’s feelings, so I will be thoughtful with what I share here.
I will say this: When I was a child I never imagined my life with kids. I didn’t daydream about being a mom. I had fleeting thoughts about it in so much as it’s expected, so I sometimes thought about it as an inevitability. But when I played house as a kid I imagined being married, I imagined having a husband, I imagined cooking dinner, I imagined greeting my husband at the door as he came home; but I never really played with baby dolls. I never pretended that I had a baby or children. I’d play Barbie, but not “Mommy”. I would sooner play teacher, setting up a classroom where I could stand and speak in front of a class (or audience, as I thought). Or I’d pretend I was a writer, setting up a desk with a typewriter, pencil holder, and pad of paper. And here I am living the exact life I imaged in my youth — a wife, a performer, a writer. Isn’t it powerful how we can generate the exact things we picture in our minds?
Everyone tells me how children would change my life. And honestly, not everyone has said for the better. In either case, better or worse, it would change. Change forever. Patrick and I have not wanted our lives to change. We are happy where we are. (Sorry, don’t gag.) Children could put a strain on us that might be the one thing too hard to weather. We are constantly being told we’d be wonderful parents. I am flattered and warmed by these sentiments, but I’m not convinced we’d be wonderful spouses after becoming parents. We have been through an awful lot together (much of which has already been shared in previous blog entries), but I have a funny, sinking feeling that parenthood could be the one challenge our marriage would not survive, not in the form we currently enjoy anyway. And I am simply not willing to take that risk, putting our relationship through that strain, no matter how great the reward might be.
Patrick says I’m a silly doofus for thinking that. He believes strongly that our marriage would undoubtedly survive children and would continue to thrive. Our love would grow. I should clarify . . . I am not willing to change in the ways it would be necessary for us to make it work. I do tend to get frustrated with him in ways that aren’t fair to him. If he parented differently than me, which I believe he would, I’d be pulling my hair out daily. I just don’t think we’d be on the same page. We aren’t even on the same page with our dog most times. He’d undoubtedly be the good cop to my bad. And I think I’d easily slip into allowing his career to take precedent over mine. I see a future where I’d spend my days resenting him. But regardless, he doesn’t want to have children for other reasons that are his own and that we share.
Back in the days when we were still considering having a baby it was easy to procrastinate. We’d always discussed adoption as the method we’d choose even if we could get pregnant and carry a baby naturally, something I honestly don’t know if we could do because we’ve never tried. But now, at 44, almost 45, it’s less likely anyway.
We had an eye-opening discussion at dinner a number of years ago. We were talking about having a baby when I admitted I’d only be doing it for him. Then he said, “Well, I was only considering it for you”. What a shock to realize each of us was willing to “go there” only for the other person. I know, I know, that’s an ideal quality for a parent to have. But I see this settled indifference as a red flag telling me we do not want to tread that path.
I’ve seen couples in this business succeed beautifully at having it all. But I’ve also witnessed the falling off of dreams when people add children to the equation. Or rather, I should say the changing of dreams. Having children is a dream in and of itself, a gift, a beautiful, magnificent gift, I do not want to unwrap.
Do not get me wrong. I love, love, love babies and children. I have immense joy around them. I adore their minds and their questions and their innocence. When I spend time with children I am enchanted, but I am beyond relieved when I get to hand them back, so to speak. And I know what you’re going to say here . . . It’s different when they’re your own. I believe you. I do believe you. But please believe me. It wouldn’t be different for me. I would resent them. One of the truest, most raw things I can admit here is that I know I am too selfish to be a parent, or rather in a way, I am not selfish enough. I would give up everything for a child and then I would resent it.
So now the barrage of questions and assumptions, among them: Children give your life meaning. You don’t know what real love is. Who will take care of you when you’re old? You’ll regret it.
My life has incredible meaning. Maybe different than yours, but fulfilling and exciting and surprising and lovely and beautiful and powerful and spontaneous and exactly how I want it. And I do know what real love is. I live it every day. And just because you have kids doesn’t mean there will automatically be someone to care for you when you’re old, unless you consider being visited once a year in an assisted living home the same as taking care of you.
There is no way I can know for certain whether or not I’ll regret it. But I’d rather regret not having a baby, then regret having a baby, because there is only one choice that puts another human soul on the line. It would kill my heart, simply slay me forever, if I knew my child could smell the resentment oozing out of my pores.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, please don’t judge me. I’m speaking primarily for myself and from my own experience, but I imagine I speak for other women who feel as I do. Please don’t shame me. And please don’t try to make me feel like I don’t know what I want. Please know I have given this incredible, soul-searching thought. I think about it all the time. Every day. Each and every day. And seeing a video like this pop up in my Facebook feed can send me reeling:
This video may not play on mobile devices, but I promise, it’s worth watching.
I am keenly aware of the gravity of my choice.
You may think I’m making a big mistake. I hear you loud and clear. And I might be; I know that, too. I am gravely aware of what I am missing. But maybe, just maybe, I know myself well enough to make the choice for myself. Trust me.
I have loved being a step parent, but I believe I would have been much to immature to raise a baby/small child. Did you know they make noise? And they’re repetitive? And, and, and. I don’t like noise. I have heard Row row row your boat once and would rather not hear it again. I admit that the older I get, they get cuter. But they’re really cute in a FB post. Around me 24-7, not so much. Thanks for the blog, Paige. No shame from here!
This is so beautifully and eloquently written! Thank you for sharing your heart with us, Paige…and managing to convey a strong point while remaining empathetic to everyone’s experience. Truly inspiring!
I totally agree with Sherry.
Paige-
I have a total of 6 kids (bio, adopted and steps) and never in my young life did I want even one child…man plans, God laughs.
It was the most wonderful thing I ever did. I was born to be a mom.
Me…I…not you.
I think some of the bravest women on the planet are those, like you who are honest enough to admit to themselves (and anyone’s else who may impose) that, for them, children are not an option.
And to take that to the level you have here-being this open, raw and unvarnished- takes you from brave to superhero.
As my kids say, haters gonna hate. As I say, who cares? Don’t let anyone steal your happy.
Bravo.
Sherry
Thank you, Sherry. So sweet of you to write that. Means a lot to me.
Hey…I owe you one. My theatre son started back on his depression meds today…all thanks to one beautiful blog post by you and Patrick that I stumbled upon accidentally.
Sherry
Ah, yes. I remember you.
where were you when I was young, funny, sweet and wanting a husband. everybody wanted kids. I’ve never been maternal except towards pets. why? they never let u down and love unconditionally………..so I guess i’m incredibly selfish. know thyself.
Great article wonderful honesty and some great points. Well done.
Parenthood isn’t for everyone. As someone who was raised by a mother who shouldn’t have had kids, I will never judge a person for knowing they aren’t cut out to be a parent.
I empathize with you in that having a mother who didn’t want to be one affected my life in every single way, and very little of it positively. I clearly remember babysitting as a young teen, and really having no idea how to connect with the child I was watching. I think I knew then I would never be a mom. Good for you Paige. Never let anyone lay that guilt on you. Love you!
When I grew up, I played with baby dolls. I had Barbies but no Kens. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but I was so unsure of myself in relationships. My marriage would be completely regrettable had it not produced my daughters, now 29 and 26, whom I adore. But now, at 57, what I do regret is that I completely devoted my life to my children and to the career that supported us. No dates, no social life, not much just for me. And now I am alone. I long for a loving relationship with the man of my dreams. I’m nearly certain that I missed that chance.
Beth, that too is very raw thing to admit here. I appreciate your words and your journey. Thank you for being so open.
Love, Paige
I think it’s great that you two found each other. The great thing about life is that we each have our own to live. You seem at peace and happy so who’s to judge that. Rock on.
This is precisely how I feel, at 46, about the issue of children — the only difference between us on this subject is gender, essentially — and I **applaud** you for being able to tell others of your reasoning, your instinct, your emotion and logic without being boorish, defensive, or accusatory in any way! I have had this discussion numerous times, each time more exasperating than the last for all of the same questions and comments and overused bits of ‘wisdom’. I have even used the same succinctly powerful phrase you wrote here: I’d rather regret not having a baby than regret having a baby. This post is just so refreshing to read, and I really want to thank you for giving words and a voice of sorts to a lot of people who know these reasons and feelings for themselves but haven’t found a voice of their own to assert it and live happily. Thank you!
Thank YOU for writing to me and saying that. Have a great day.
Well said. My wife and I get asked that question all the time also. My answer is “why did you” ? Very few can answer that.
“Oh , but you have no idea what you are missing “.
So true.
How can I miss something that I have never had.
I have several friends that have also chosen not to have children and it was the perfect choice for them. I chose to have one child, and that was the perfect choice for me. There are many choices in life, but most are never noticed as the choices are not as visible as a child. It all boils down to the fact that we have the choice, period. The sometimes thoughtless comments about “how cute your kids would be” or “you’re so great, you would be a great parent” is usually uttered for no other reason than it is the next line in the storybook plot (When are you getting married? When are you have a baby? When are you having another baby? etc.. There are pros and cons to every decision. I drove my family crazy by not marrying my sweetheart for 20 years, but it sure staved off the baby questions! But, in a nutshell, there as many reasons to have a baby as there are not to, it’s a personal choice.
Don’t worry Darlin. I will take care of yo and Patrick in your old age. LOL.
I know you…and I know that you KNOW YOURSELF extremely well. You’re not one of the “searching for my life’s meaning” kind of people. Nothing wrong with that–I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, hahaha.
And, like the others commenting, applaud your bravery and your honesty.
xo
Kudos!!! Not everyone wants to be a parent. I have lots of nieces, nephews, and even great-nephews and nieces so there have always been children around. Early on my husband and I traveled and enjoyed married life. Our children are our dogs and they are more than enough for us.
Hi Paige-
I have always been a fan, sorry if you’ve heard that a thousand times. I love this heartfelt article about your choice to not have kids. It’s so well written! I can tell you’ve put decades of thought into this. I must say, however, that you’re clearly not sure about what you want (video, voice in article, etc.). Your life is obviously full of meaning and you do know what real love and happiness is (kids just multiply that love btw). So, here’s my final point. You do not have to make a permanent decision about kids today. As you’ve clearly seen with others, 44 is like the new 34 :) While I accept your feelings whole-heartedly, I keep thinking what an amazing Mom you’d be. And quite frankly, we need more Moms like you. And what about your spirit, smile, knowledge and skills? I wish you’d pass them on; it’s your legacy for the future. There are many news and TV personalities I would not care to see populate the world, but I do want to see yours. I imagine I may never see that side of you and Patrick, so I will keep dreaming about a mini Paige-Patrick Davis. (By the way, it works best with a good cop & bad cop.) But ya never know…Life is always one surprise after another. God Bless and keep writing (my blog is lame, don’t go there).
Bravo and well said. I have been married 31 years, so i’m older than you. Never wanted kids and my husband was fine eith it. He had a child from a previous marriage. When people asked me that question, i always answered with the truth. I don’t like kids, I don’t like being around them. I find them annoying, demanding, and boring. I was a good step mom but didn’t enjoy it. I have dogs. I adore them and would do anything in the world for them. They are my children and satisfy whatever “maternal” urge i possess. My friends who have human children constantly complain about them. There was a survey done years ago that asked mothers who adore their children,” if you had to do it all over again, would you have children?” More than 50% said no! when people ask the question and then tell you how wonderful having children is- i think it is really a case of “misery loves company”. My mother summed it up perfectly years ago when i told her i didn’t want kids. She said, What are you going to do for aggravation?”
Said very well! I wish others had the guts to understand themselves and make this choice.
I was just asking my wife, whatever became of Paige Davis? I loved “Trading Spaces” so much, especially the episode that included your wedding. I was also excited to see what your children looked like, then discovered there were no children? Then coincidently, you wrote this article explaining your choice (which is profoundly personal). I read your post to my wife, then I re-read it. I respect your choice, and you are a wonderful person, who I think would have been such a great mother.
Thank you, Kevin. That is sweet. I think I’d be a great mom too. :-)
I too was upset by well meaning relatives nagging me about when I was going to have children. I was focused on my career and it wasn’t a priority. But at 45 adopted a three year old girl who is the love of my life and probably the best thing I ever did. Never too late to have children, but only if you want them.
I love everything you wrote. You wrote my story. I am single, 40, and have no children. I can relate, on so many levels, to what you wrote. I never had a strong desire to have children, although I do love children. I, too, am happy to hand them back at the end of the day.
My aunt and uncle made a conscious decision not to have children (they have schnauzers) and they still say it was the best decision they ever made. It is a very PERSONAL choice, and not one which should be judged because “it’s just what you’re supposed to do” or “it’s the natural order of things”. There are plenty of people having way too many children than they can afford to have anyway, and I don’t just mean financially.
I have had guilt over my choice, but mostly I felt guilty because I wasn’t going to provide a grandchild to my parents (my brother has a son and my sister will be happy to have children). This is not a reason to have children..to please your parents. My best friend, who has a son, has even encouraged me NOT to have children! Like I said, it is a VERY PERSONAL choice, and is not deserving of any judgement or guilt. Good for you!
Perhaps you, and every other of us who have chosen not to parent, “would be such a good Mom”, because our present incarnation without children, suits our souls. I work with children of all ages, every day. I love them. But I love going home to my animal
I have recently been on the receiving end of some pretty nasty comments and opinions from people because I no longer want to have kids. Financial, age, whatever… it is my life and choice. I also love kids. I teach children and love my nieces and nephews. I get it, Paige. I totally get it!
Paige
Loved this article! And by the way, Kay and I have enough kids for all of us. No matter the choices any of us make, riches come with them and other riches don’t. We are all blessed for choices we make and these choices are the ones that make us, end of story. It is only the ones that make no choices, instead to just take what ever comes, who miss out.
Love you, Doug. Thnak you. Miss you guys already.
Oh, how I wish you had not even felt the need to write this. In my fantasy of a perfect world, there would be no need to explain, defend or justify anyone’s choices around having or not having children. Even reading the well-meant comments here, I felt my stomach knot at what I sometimes perceive as the: “aren’t you great for being so brave to do such a radical thing” or “maybe one day before it is too late you may still come to your senses” vibe that I often feel when I am discussing this with other very caring, well-intended friends. I, too, am a woman who has chosen not to be a mother. I find it incredibly difficult to be a “childless couple.” Even that wording is so…filled with a particular slant or point of view: less than, normal-abnormal. I am very sensitive to the way the air hangs after answering the question: “Do you and your husband have any kids?” I find the heavy silence painful: I can feel their wheels spinning as if they are wondering what could be wrong with us that we did not have any…and imagine it will always be a difficult question for me, even later on down the road. Sigh. I am tired of feeling ashamed or as if I am missing something or less of a woman because I did not and am not going to have a child. I have so much to give and I do give so much love to the children who are in my life. I am a kickass aunt and plan to be a superstar great and great aunt down the line, and have always worked with children in a volunteer capacity. I believe that is my destiny and that is my contribution to humankind. But look at me, I am justifying my choice to my self! The cultural norm is a thick planted root in me it seems. I am gonna do some serious feild-clearing around this, I think. I’m just too tired to struggle against these deep-rooted beliefs that I didn’t ask for in the first place. Luckily, I do have a choice about that. Thank you for sharing your experience and choices here. I do not read or hear enough from other women about this.
Oh, Margaret.
Thank YOU for ousting your comments.
Means a lot to me.
Love,
Paige
I love you both to bits right now and I don’t even know either of you. Do you know the author Ann Patchett? She is famously outspoken on this very issue, and I recently went to her house to interview her, and she was telling me how at 50, she is absolutely thrilled she stuck to her guns on this issue. She also said that she hates that it’s something that so often comes up in interviews (like on Fresh Air last year), as a man in her position who opted not to procreate would NEVER be asked such questions. So true, but I do feel like people like us who continuously speak up on such an issue will gradually shift this cultural norm!
Yes!
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Every word of this could have been written by me! I have nothing else to add except: THANK YOU =)
Bravo!!!!!! Thank you for writing this incredibly genuine, honest and refreshing post. I have one son (now 14) that I love more than I can say but I have found that having one child is as bad as having none. To this day (and I am almost 41) I am still asked if we are “having any more” or “going to make our son a big brother” and it drives me insane! Like yourself I feel that ultimately it is no one’s business as family matters are exactly that, family matters. It hurts when people ask but not because I have had fertility issues or it makes me feel like I haven’t made a contribution to the world or I have somehow not fulfilled my destiny as a women but it makes it feel like my boy is not enough and that having siblings will somehow legitimize his existence. If I may brag just a bit, my son is handsome, smart, funny, creative, sensitive, generous, interesting, I could go on and on. He is a light in my life and a light in this world, he is SO enough! I am also not a gambler and if it’s not broke don’t fix it. I love our family of three! Children are wonderful but they are not the end all and be all to a relationship. I applaud you and Patrick for being true to yourselves and leading the life that you want instead of that others think you should have. Thank you for this and all the best to you both :)
i thought you were pregnant on the trading spaces show
No. That was Laurie, the red headed designer, who was pregnant.
There were rumors that I was pregnant because I gained some weight, but nope.
I have one child in college. I applaud your decision. Life is much simpler without children. Less stress, less expenses and more time for each other.
Hi Paige,
I stumbled on this after you popped into my mind and I wanted to see what you were up to. I loved you on Trading Spaces – LOVED! I look back on those years, which were my early marriage and mothering days, with so much fondness. You and the show were so refreshing and I (like I’m sure everyone else) felt like you were just one of my good friends. Thanks for your impact in my life.
I now have 5 kids, 1 girl and 4 boys, and like the rest of us, have filled up my life with all sorts of things to do. I admire you, and think it’s wonderful that you and Patrick have created a wonderful life for yourselves. I believe that marriage is a huge job and loving, accepting, and compromising with someone is the biggest commitment. It’s wonderful that you and Patrick have been able to manage beautiful busy careers and keep your own family a priority. I respect your choice to keep your family small – your heart is so big and fortunately for others, you have the ability to touch their lives and add some extra sparkle to their world.
Shannon,
Thank you for that really sweet comment.
Much love to you,
Paige
I have always known I did not want children. At 12 years old I expressed this. My step-mom said, “Oh Laura — there will come a time when biology will insist and you will meet a man with whom you will want children. Never say never.”
I stuck out my hand, “I’ll bet you $1000.” We shook on it.
I rarely thought about the decision except to confirm my choice.
I had no need to even get married until 6 months ago.
At 52, being married for the very first time, I know without a doubt that I made the right decision. My husband’s three children are grown adults and I do not have to serve the duty as “step” parent, thank the universe.
If others judge, they are not allowed very much time in my life. All my closest girlfriends do have children and they applaude my choice — especially the ones with children at home.
If people do ask, I simply say, “I always knew I waned to remain child-FREE, (a distinct and important linguistic removal from “childLESS”), and I am thrilled with my choice. Why do you want to know?”
I do not assume they are judging until I hear the answer. If they are judging, that’s their problem, certainly not mine.
I do agree that you and your husband would have suffered under the stress of raising children and for that reason alone, your decision is more than sound. You are a stellar wife Paige and he is an extremely fortunate man.
(My step-mom’s still owes me that grand!).
Thank you for replying. It’s funny, I write that so long ago, but just happened to be discussing the piece with a friend a couple days ago. Ha! Must’ve conjured you’re reply. XOX
Paige, I am a big fan. Sit around the TV waiting for your ad. to show up for R.C. Wiley. Having or not having children is a choice. And some are natural parents and others are not. My wife and I did not have children, even though we tried. Now when we are in our early 70s life is pretty lonely without children. Even more lonelier after one of us goes!
Today is a special day. My hubby and I have been married 46 years and engaged 2 years prior to getting married, so I have loved and been with him almost half a century. We are childless by choice and we heard all the same questions and concerns that you have heard and I agree with you entirely. Having children is no guarantee that they will take care of you in your old age, no guarantee they will be healthy, independent or even good people. My husband and I have never had any regrets over our decision. We are truly blissfully happy and have been able to live our dreams such as traveling the world, owning a successful business, pursuing our creativity etc etc. As we age we are really content in our choices and respect and agree with your similar choices to follow your own course in life. No one can make proper choices for you except you yourself and no one has the right to judge you for your choices.
Paige, I am so glad you wrote this. My husband and I faced so much criticism when we got married. Since before we got engaged and married. I stated I didnt want kids and I wanted my soul mate to know that before he proposed. People have such boldness to question our decision. And like you always saying you would be such great parents. It always shocked me how I was always the one everyone criticized. If I had been infertile how rude. Anyway 26 years later everyone wants to emulate our marriage. My comment to most is that kids really complicate a marriage. I have seen the resentment in my friends marriages in regard to who doesn’t do their share etc. I am not saying it is that way for everyone but for us it was the right choice to not have kids. We do so much for community because we have the time. Part of my decision was because I cared for ailing grandparents and parents. So my young life was being a care giver to a dementia grandma and a mother with MS. I didnt need to prove my maternalness. I didnt want my whole live being a care giver. No regrets. Not everyone needs to have kids.
I’ve only just now discovered this post. I have complete administration for your decision and the confidence to stand by it. We are all different in is life. . That is what makes the world beautiful. Never apologize for being you.. especially since your decision is to do right by the children you’ll never have. Keep being amazing, , don’t let others “parenting ideas” give you any pause.. and way to go!! Glad to see you on the show again. :) MomofFive
I am a mom. 3 1/2 and twins that are 1 1/2. I don’t believe children give life meaning. My life had meaning before them and it continues to have meaning now, independetly of hubby and them.
I completely get everything you say and applaud you for knowing what you want. We all need different things to be happy and whatever makes someone else happy may not be enough for us, or may not be what we need.
All I ever wanted was to be a mom. I loved dolls, would stock new parents (neighbors) and offer to help in any way I could so I could hold a baby. You not having those same desires and feelings are your true feelings. You didn’t want a baby. I couldn’t have been happy without one. To me that proves that you are just being authentic and honest with yourself. Even with how bad I wanted children it has still been overwhelming, very hard and very Stressful. Although,I cant imagine not being a mom.Your choice was right for you. I totally respect your choice.
Paige took the exact words out of my mouth about not having children. You don’t know how comforting it is for Paige to share this with the world because I often feel alone about not wanting kids despite being married. Thank you so much, Paige. I appreciate your honesty and I feel justified in my personal feelings as well.
Really wish more people in the world have as much thought and consideration to the change that bringing a child into their life/lives makes before blindly allowing it to happen. It would be better for both the parent/s let alone, most importantly the child.
Hello Paige. I recently introduced my wife to trading spaces. Which got me googling you many years after. (I have had a crush on you lol) anyhow. I digress. We have had this discussion about why we don’t want to be parents and this blog entry was so on point. Thank you so much for speaking your feelings and you gave us a revelation. We don’t want kids enough. We know we want to be happy. We want our lives to fulfill us. And children are not what bring us that joy. Our love for each other and others brings that joy. Anyhow. Love you Paige.
Dear Paige, The Wedding Story has been my hubby and my’s favorite wedding show! I just watched it again. I love your heartfelt emotions! I cried all the sane times you did throughout the show! But I’m sad that you had be expound on why you chose not to have children. I agree with you as asking someone outright either when will you have children or why don’t you have any. I can’t think of much that could be more rude. To me, that is intrusive. Such a presumptuous question. I’m also pretty outraged when my friends say they’re dying to be a grandmother and ask theur children when that might be! Do they not realize that she might have had a miscarriage or 2? That they’ve tried and tried with no luck and are pretty torn up about it? We have 4 grandkids and while we are delighted as can be, I’ve secretly confided to myself that I and my husband (2nd marriage for us both, no kids between us) would have been fine if my son and daughter chose not to be parents. Please. I implore people. Don’t ask! They can easily be reinforcing a heartbreak! My hubby and I are married 44 years soon. We met and married within 3 months and 3 days. Yes, there is love at first sight! Love you. Paige! Adorable couple!