I’m in the elevator of my apartment building, I’m perusing my iPad, when an older gentleman in the elevator says, “Whatcha workin’ on?” I tell him I’m just pulling up an email for my appointment.
He says, “Oh. Well, I’m doing laundry.” I smile and say, “That’s never super fun, but hey, it’s gotta get done, right?” I do a little wink and figurative nudge. Conversation over, right? Nope.
Then as we exit the elevator, passing the laundry room, he proceeds to explain why he’s still walking toward the lobby, instead of stopping in the laundry room. Mind you, I didn’t notice or really even care, but I’m always up for a little conversation with strangers. I enjoy friendly chitchat. I find it neighborly. He says, “I like to use the laundry room in the other part of the building because those washers are more reliable. They don’t break down as often.” I acknowledge and agree with his comment, “Yeah, I use those too sometimes for the same reason.”
I offer up the common and even obligatory “Have a nice day” as I begin to exit the lobby, when he breaks in with, “Well, I’m retired.” I pause my pace, thinking about how my dad thoroughly delights in his retirement, and respond, “How lovely. That sounds like the best day.” He comes back with, “Well, not really. I want to work, but I was told I’m too old and got the boot.” A mopey expression comes across his face.
Oh dear. What do I do with this added tidbit? I just wanted to be nice. I didn’t necessarily mean to prompt a conversation that would hold me emotionally hostage. He’s divulged this disheartening information to me, but I’ve gotta run. You know, to my aforementioned appointment.
This sort of thing happens to me a lot. Patrick says I’m too nice. Whatever that means. I think he’s implying that most people don’t open themselves up to impromptu encounters with strangers in the first place, so the fact that I do, sends out a signal that I care in a deeper way than perhaps I actually do.
I really did feel for him. I thought of all the people I know – young performers in the beginnings of their career pounding the audition pavement, middle-aged men laid off from executive positions who struggle to be counted as relevant as they search for another job, and this guy, representative of our older generation, whose wisdom is often negated and under valued — all people desperate to work, all people being brushed aside.
But I was also frustrated because he didn’t honor the unspoken social nicety of letting a stranger off the hook. I ask you, when is it appropriate to disclose personal information in a casual setting? And when is it simply intrusive? I felt blank, empty, and discouraged knowing I had little ability to respond and encourage this man’s spirit with so little time at my disposal. Was I supposed to drop everything to have a heart to heart with this guy? I gave a meek smile, acknowledged that it would be unsatisfying to be in that position, and hoped he’d find something cheery in his day, but then I was the one left with the dampened spirit. I felt at a loss. Sigh. He was expecting me to give more than I had to give. And somehow I felt it was my fault.
I have a friend who was recently given vegetables from a neighbor’s garden, a person they do not know well. You can probably guess where this is going? After much weighing back and forth, they decided it would be a kind gesture to invite the neighbor over for a quick beer, to be friendly and as a thank you for the bounty. They told the guy how much they enjoyed the vegetables on their shish kabobs and kept the visit short and sweet. For the past week they’ve received random offerings of produce almost every day, accompanied by an uncomfortable assumption that he can now pop over anytime to hang out with his new besties.
Have any of you seen the movie out now called, The Gift? Suffice it to say, it’s pretty scary. My friend’s wife remarked, “What if this turns into THAT? What if we don’t thank him enough? What if he steals our dog?” Now, she was of course joking. And if what I know of her is true, she was thinking what I am thinking when I hear the story. This neighbor guy is clearly in need of fellowship. He’s not dangerous, just putting himself out there. How do you turn away someone like that? When do you have an obligation to take on somebody new? And when is it wrong for someone to force themselves into your life? It’s tricky ‘cause we all know it’s the right thing to extend a hand and include everyone. But sometimes we just don’t want to.
Ick, even as I write this I feel a little like a “mean girl” or something, which is the furthest from the truth. In fact, it would serve me to take on a bit more “mean girl” attitude in my life. I’m usually a real pushover. I don’t plan on changing my ways. I’m not one to close myself off from people, but I do wish that others would pick up on little social clues along the way that would allow me to interact without fear of getting trapped.
If encounters like these happen to you too, and I know they do, you will probably get a kick out of this book a friend recently gave to me, Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck by Amy Alkon. She writes about these types of scenarios, and her take on them is really funny.
Share with me some of your own tales.
And oh . . . Have a nice day. LOL. But seriously, do have a nice day.
Who knows, you might have been the only person the retired fella in the elevator spoke to all day, and maybe it helped him just to talk. Or maybe he hits up anyone who will listen, divulging just a little too much. You handled it like I would have liked to, respectfully while respecting your own boundaries. The vegetable giver scenario is interesting because I wonder if the recipient isn’t giving the message that they want the friendship and visits…it’s so tricky to find the balance between kind and clear.
We have neighbors who are from an old Italian neighborhood in the Bronx. You know the ones…everyone knows everyone and that includes everyone’s business. There’s a woman who lives there with, at one time, her two grown sons (since then one has passed away). They are VERY Italian so the remaining son will not move out until he marries. He’s 50. ‘Nuff said.
Anyway, when we moved in the entire neighborhood was new since it was a new subdivision. When this woman found out I was half Italian she thought we could single handedly turn our new neighborhood into a ‘mini’ Bronx while simultaneously trying to drag me back to Mass and convince me that I should be a Eucharistic Minister every third Sunday of the month. Wait…what?
Uh…no thank you. I like my privacy.
Over the years I’ve managed to establish some boundaries while still being there for her whenever she needs us. We’re not really friends but she knows that all she has to do is call (and believe me…she does) and we’re there. She probably thinks we’re a bunch of snobs but I’m okay with that as long as we can maintain a little distance…AND I still get some cucumbers and tomatoes from her son’s garden.
Hey! They’re good! Fugeddaboutit!
Sherry
You know what? I think it’s great to “put yourself out there.” If everyone took the incentive to TRULY wish ONE PERSON well each day, we might squelch the stress that leads to rudeness, disdain, or worse to others. Of course, there’s always that chance of getting held hostage with a deeper conversation, like you mentioned, Paige. So use your line from Chicago: “I gotta pee” and dash away.
Stuart, you are killing me! LOL!
I agree with Patrick, you are too nice! 😉 However, I should talk. I feel guilty breaking off a conversation with a needy person too.
Yes, Mary. YOU are indeed too nice. But I love that about you! You have a sweetest, most open heart.
Paige, I just discovered your website & blog,and I have discovered that this lovely, talented, free spirited woman who I first saw on TLC’s Trading Spaces, wasn’t an act for the sake of a television audience…but it is who you truly are as a person.
I don’t want you to ever lose your gift to the rest of the world.
On the subject of gifts, I have one to share with you and anyone else who comes along later and discovers your beautiful blog.
That picture quote you have above “Too often we Underestimate…”, that quote was from the late (and great) Dr. Leo Buscaglia. Thanks to the gift of YouTube, I would like for you to give yourself (and your husband) an hour to discover who he truly was.
YouTube search “Leo Buscaglia – Speaking of Love”. The just under an hour version.
The good news is that you were sweet as always to this retired gentleman. But after you watch this video you may ask yourself, “Did I miss the chance to do so much more?”
My hope is that this first video may have you slipping a toe into the water’s edge of Leo Buscaglia. Before you decide to dive into the ocean of all of his wonderful work.
Wishing you continued Love, Joy & Happiness.