I am a world-class worrier. If there is something to fret about, over analyze, lose sleep over, or in general anguish about, I will trump any one of you. I pick apart every thought, decision, and choice I make – not on a daily basis, not on an hourly basis, but on a minute-to-minute basis. Sometimes I even feel like every second my brain is busy weighing options, doubts, and manifested concerns.
And there is no distinction in my mind between big and small dilemmas. I will apply the same intense deductive reasoning to deciding whether to take a job far from home, as I would to deciding which socks to wear. I will mull over what to make for dinner as much as I might weigh the pros and cons of buying a new apartment. Heck, I can’t even pick a nail color without getting overwrought about whether or not I may or may not wear an outfit in the following two weeks that could potentially clash with my nails. Welcome to my vexation. (Just got that word from the thesaurus. It’s a goody.)
I am also a world-class control freak. See above. I’m always trying to see the potholes in the road before I fall into them. I second-guess, theorize, predict, and try to manage all obstacles before they even have a chance to exist.
This serves me well in some respects. I channel my negative apprehension into proactive attacks. In some respects I think it aids in my success, but I gotta tell ya, it’s exhausting, and clearly bad for my health. Not to be all TMI or anything, but I suffer from pretty bad ongoing constipation. I tell you this not to get too personal, but to tell you how my husband teases me that I am not only figuratively anal-retentive, I am LITERALLY anal-retentive. We laugh, but it’s not really funny.
And now I have scientific proof that the ramifications of this mental turmoil are wreaking havoc on my physical body in ways I never quite imagined. One of my doctors had reason to prescribe a saliva test for me. I spit into little vials one day, collecting samples in the early morning, mid morning, mid afternoon, and nighttime. The results that came back were illuminating. You know how you know something already, but seeing it in data form in black and white helps you digest it in a way that can’t be ignored anymore? Yeah, that happened.
Turns out my doctor’s suspicion was correct. She was concerned that the reason I wasn’t healing properly or at an expected rate, was because I had radically low cortisol levels. Cortisol is the body’s natural hydrocortisone. You know, the stuff we take to alleviate pain and swelling? Your adrenal gland produces it naturally to help you cope with stress, injury, and the like, or at least it’s supposed to.
My doctor believes prolonged undue stressors have taxed my adrenal gland so much that it threw up its hands in the air as if to say, “I can’t keep up with the amount of cortisol I’d need to produce to fight this fight. I give up.” It’s essentially adrenal fatigue.
So, what to do? I’ve known for a while that I need to take a chill pill. LOL. My doctor recommended a holistic remedy, Ashwaganda, an East Indian herb. I’m dubious, but hopeful. I’m also going to commit to meditation, something I’ve avoided over the years because I just couldn’t sit still long enough to care. But I desire the benefits, so I’m going to give it a real shot.
Beyond that I’m going to take things one day at a time. It’s funny how we cope and don’t cope. I always think everything will be better when I book my next job or everything will be better when I lose the weight I’ve gained or everything will be better when ______________ (you fill in the blank for yourself). I find I’m in a vicious circle: Don’t feel good about myself ‘cause of weight gain, eat more, can’t lose weight ‘cause of injury, eat more from sadness about not dancing or having a job. You see how it goes. And I guarantee you all feel these same types of heartaches. We sit silently, lashing ourselves. It does none of us any good.
There’s no magic cure for these woes. Remembering that, and keeping the rampant thoughts in check is a delicate balance for a lot of us. But if we all take deep breaths and pause, we might be able to quiet our minds just a little. I think if I do that my adrenal gland will come back on board and start cheering me on again. Together we will fight the battle and win.
You already know how much this resonates with me and I could offer some advice (Headspace for meditation and Yin Yoga) but I won’t (even though I just did) because I know this is an inside job.
So I’ll offer up the thing that always makes me better….
Me too. You’re never alone.
Sherry
I replied with a heart emoticon, but it didn’t show. xox
Always done this, but if you take time to look in the rear view mirror once in a while you see the beauty and magic of your journey and can trust the future just a little bit more
Paige – I appreciate that you mentioned the payoff for your vexation. There always is, otherwise we’d choose a different way to cope. I’m watching to see if the Ashwaganda helps. Of course, if it’s really REALLY good, we may have another addiction to worry about? 🙂
Hahaha! I’m sure I’m safe from becoming addicted to Ashwaganda.
And yes, in some ways our behaviors get us something we want or we wouldn’t do them.
Dr. Phil often says, “How’s that workin’ for ya?”
I have always been able to see how my predilections have helped me. Now I’m seeing how they’re doing more harm than good. I need to take control, but this time in an entirely new way to change my pattern of thinking.
Way easier said than done.
I believe my wife has these same issues. Not so much personal worries, just work. Has gotten to a point that her eyebrows have fallen out. She had her thyroid checked out, didn’t even think of this though. Thank you for the information and good luck on finding peace in your life.
Love you! I know how hard this will be for you. 😉
xox
I am literally afraid I am going to reach the end of my life and wonder what the hell it was all about. I’m always waiting to this, that or the other. Wanted to learn to meditate but can’t afford it. Keep us posted on your journey … sending love.
Beth, I’ll let you know what books and/DVDs I discover. I’m sure you don’t have to get private lessons to learn.
I’ll keep you posted.
My sweet sister, how alike we both are! 😉
Sherry kinda endorsed yoga and it is the first thing I thought of to help. Because of my OCD, the TV was never turned on to anything but PBS when our first two were little. They only watched a couple shows, and a yoga show came on after one of them.
Learning just a little yoga has helped me handle stress better. It also helped me overcome the loneliness that came from moving to another city with no friends around.
That gentle voice from the program still whispers in my mind sometimes. It tells me to not grip the steering wheel so tightly in traffic, to relax my shoulders, and to listen to each breath to calm myself.
Whatever you try, remember that you are loved deeply no matter what you do. Despite the doubts that haunt you, you are always a unique and irreplaceable person in our eyes.
Thank you, Mary. I love you, sis.
Great post, Paige!
I’ve been dealing with poor health for a number of years and have had so many labs run on me that I now struggle to obtain life insurance. But, in pursuit of figuring out what ailed me, it was worth it to, like you say, see it in “data form”; I know what I do and don’t suffer with, and through a lot of research and observation, I’m satisfied that chronic stress and anxiety are at the centre of my problems. It’s taken a long time to get to this point, and it’s only been in the last year that I’ve come to this conclusion, but at least I know what direction to move in now.
I started using guided meditation in the spring and it has changed my life; far more profoundly than any exercise or medication ever have. There are some good daily/regular guided meditation podcasts out there, as well as some apps. I renounced the idea that I *need* to sit in the cross-legged/lotus position in order to meditate; I sit in my comfortable chair in my “mind space.”
Also, this spring I read a fantastic book called “Mind over Medicine” by Dr Lissa Rankin that really cleared up my understanding of how stress/worry affects the body. I highly recommend it!
Thanks for your post! There’s a lot of people like us out there. 🙂
Thank you, Paige. I have had more than a few friends confront these physical issues, with adrenals and the like. I will share this with them! And of course I am a persnickety worrier myself: I worry about my worrying ALL THE TIME! Such good inspiration and information, here and in the comments.